My dear little boys,
Tomorrow you will come home from the hospital, and change our lives forever.
From the moment I found out you were coming to our family at the same time, I have been so worried for you. I have wept and fasted and prayed so much–well, not fasted that much–for your safety. Since 18 weeks into the pregnancy when my body started the process of kicking you out early, I have begged the Lord for a miracle and researched and tried to implement everything I could that might give you a chance to enter the world well and whole.
For a while there, I was getting hopeful and even confident that we could make it. I was devastated to find out last week that after contracting for 17.5 weeks, my body had passed the point of no return, that you were coming now, and that you would spend your first days hooked up to machines that would try to do for you what my body should have done. I felt I had failed you. I sobbed on the way to the hospital as I sobbed when I first saw you in the NICU and said in my heart as Job did, “For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me; and that which I was afraid of has come unto me. I was not in safety, neither had I rest; neither was I quiet, yet trouble came.”
From the beginning you have always had an asterisk attached to you in my mind. There seemed to be so many obstacles to getting you into the world that I have tried to think of you as hypothetical and not to become too emotionally attached in case something went wrong. From
the moment you were well enough to hold in my arms, the asterisk disappeared and you became for the first time truly mine. You are my sons, my little guys.
Of course I am a nervous for how things will go when you come home tomorrow–especially for the first year of twinfancy and for the havoc you may wreak as toddlers–and naturally, I am still more than concerned for your health and safety. And yet my heart is light and full of joy
and anticipation. The fear is not gone, but I recognize and accept it for what it has always actually been: a form of love.
I love you, my little guys. I thank the Lord for you, my little darlings. Welcome home.