Supremely exciting things happened at my house. This part of the construction is really maddening because it’s so up and down. Sometimes there are days like this past Friday when one crew put siding up outside while another crew put insulation up inside. A beehive of activity!
And sometimes, actually it feels like most of the time, nobody is there. Tumbleweeds blow across the construction site for days as it stands half-dressed like an abandoned dream. And you feel like, why is my house just sitting there unbuilded upon? I’ll bet they’re all off building someone else’s stupid house because they hate me.
Yesterday, I went to six open houses to check local trends and get ideas and all that jazz. My friend who was going to come with me to make fun of people’s taste got trapped at Chuck E. Cheese’s at a birthday party that turned out to be (psycho shriek, psycho shriek) non-drop-off!
The realtor at the first open house filled in for her though. She said four separate times as she showed me the place, “My personal preference, I would have [picked something different than the pathetic owners who didn’t have the money to upgrade X].” Those cracks sure made me want her to show my house to other people some day. She also used the word “inclusive” incorrectly and constantly. I should have corrected her. People love when I do that.
One of the houses had the two-tone mudroom bench that I so enjoy. I sent a couple of pictures of benches like these to my builder (Classic Homes) when I told him what I like in a mudroom cubby.
Me: The crown molding and the contrast stain of the bench really elevate the look of both of these.
Builder: This stained bench in those mudroom pictures is amazing but not something that I would feel comfortable doing. Hope that’s okay.
Me: I can totally understand you not being comfortable staining the bench portion of the mudroom cubbies which is why I strongly suggest you have someone else do it.*
*this is a joke.
The piece de resistance, however, was a house that had a gorgeous craftsman facade, nice sightlines in an inventive floorplan which totally worked, great views, wonderful flooring, high-end finishes, and by a wide margin the ugliest, schizophrenic bathrooms I have ever seen in a new home.
This worst offender featured an arabesque tile shower floor in grey, some horrible faketty-fake-fake marble on the shower walls, gold 2×2 floors, a yellow granite countertop and a 1×1 grey and gold glass listello presumably to tie it all together. What you don’t see out of frame is the ultra-sleek contemporary faucet in brushed nickel and the, I kid you not, swirly, Old World, oil rubbed bronze light fixture above it. The picture does not do it justice. It was eye-stabbingly bad. Honestly, I would have thought it was a joke, but as we all know, builders have no sense of humor.
Designers need to stop pretending that golden-beige tile and grey tile look good together in a bathroom. Even Sarah Richardson who is one of my top three favorite designers keeps occasionally paring crema marfil with carrara and declaring victory. Admittedly, she does it 10 times better than the bathroom above, but it still reminds me of that time I filled my cup with equal amounts of every soda on the fountain machine and then tried to get my brother to trade me his Sprite by telling him how fabulous my concoction was. My mom finally intervened with, “Leave your brother alone. Nobody believes you.”
Designers, leave those bathrooms alone. You can say you’ve managed to bring carrara and crema together like Sharon and Afafat, but nobody believes you.
Image from Sarah Richardson Design.
Also, I am having wicked strong deja vu at the moment. Why is that?