Me: I think we should put up crown molding in Fluffy’s room! Just imagine it with two piece crown and chair rail–and chair rail backer board! I mean, it would be insane. We should totally do it. It would be crazy expensive to have someone else put it up, but I’m sure we could figure out how to do it ourselves.
I: I am not going to let you drag me into another enormous project that is only going to shave years off our life through stress, so forget it. Wait till you make enough money, and then hire someone else to do it. Leave me out of this.
Me: Oh, come on. It won’t be that bad. We’ve seen the videos on youtube and it looks easy. You just cut things on an angle. It’ll be fun, you’ll see. You’ll get to do math, you can listen to a book on audible, it will be great! You know you always get into something once you get started.
I: I’ve seen those videos, and I’ve also read those blogs where even the people who pretend to skate through life on a silky smooth surface of calm and perfection when they try to put up crown molding, bemoan their fate because even though the concept of trim cutting is straight-forward, the execution is maddeningly tricky. And I hate saws.
Me: Now, now. We’re getting over the saw/airplane/freeway phobia, are we not? Don’t be such a baby. Besides, those people who had trouble are probably either not as smart as you or not as careful. It will be way easier for you than it was for them.
I: Pahahahaha! You’ve fed me that line before, and has it ever been the case? Might I remind you of STENCILING!? That was supposed to be “so easy” for you, wasn’t it? Huh?
Me: Okay, fine. Let’s just do a little bit, and if it’s horribly difficult, we can ask Kent for help.
I: No way. We don’t have the relationship capital to spend on a room full of trim. I’m saving that up for a mommy makeover.
Me: Okay, if it’s horribly difficult, we can ask a friend for help. Or even hire someone. Let’s just try a little bit.
I: Okay, 1 piece. ONE. And if it’s awful, I get to quit. For real. No takebacks.
Me: I swear. Pinky swear. If it’s awful I won’t make you finish it.
I: OH MY GOSH THIS IS WORSE THAN STENCILING!! We’ve cut the first piece wrong three separate times! We’re just wasting trim, time and money. This crown molding is possessed of the devil. I measured it to the 32nds of an inch and cut it exactly on my mark, and yet for some incomprehensible reason and in defiance of all the laws of physics, it’s too frigging short! Again! WHY MUST I FAIL AT EVERY ATTEMPT AT CARPENTRY?! I quit.
Me: You can’t quit now! We’ve already started.
Me: This is what’s called a learning curve. This is why we bought that extra 10-15% of trim. Everybody makes mistakes. It’s normal. You don’t have to make every cut perfect. We’ll figure it out. Why don’t we try taking the kids to the gym and see if we can concentrate any better?
I: That sounds really nice.
Me: Doesn’t it? We can have Oreos when they’re out of the house and watch Bravo TV for a little break. Then we’ll try this again.
I: Well that is a pretty fine looking outside corner if I do say so myself. I think I’m getting the hang of this. I bet if I stay up all night working on it and don’t stop to eat or use the bathroom, I can finish the whole room in one day.
Me: Whoa, slow down, Little Miss Manic. You shouldn’t be operating a saw in the dark or working for more than 8 hours on it continuously. Also, shouldn’t we feed the kids and maybe put them to bed?
I: Can’t talk. Working.
I: Kent will do it. Or they’ll just fall asleep watching screens. They don’t have to eat every day. Stop talking to me, I’m trying to remember 6′ 8″ and 25/32nds.
Me: Don’t make me cut your finger off.
I: You beast! Okay, we’ll stop. But I get to dream about finishing it and then wake up at 4am and stay awake the rest of the night mentally rehearsing every single remaining cut.
Me: This again?
I: It works for us, and you know it.
Me: I guess I knew what you were when I picked you up. I’ll tell you one thing, though. I was right. This is going to look killer when it’s done.