Everybody has a twins story, and when they meet your twins, they’re sure to tell you, “My sister has two sets of twins,” and “My friend has triplets,” and “My mom has twins. They were numbers 5 and 6 of eight.” My favorite was, “There are three sets of twins in my family. I’m one of 16 kids.”
How do these people do it? How do they keep having kids after twins? I might have made it all the way to four if twins hadn’t sucked the life force right out of me. I met Angelina Jolie once, and I was like, “Hey! I have twins, too.” And she was all, “Girl, you need to get in shape. How long are you going to use twins as your excuse? After I delivered the twins, I gave myself a full 15 minutes to just veg, then I pulled myself together.” Okay, so I never actually met her, but I saw her on the cover of a magazine once, and I could totally tell she was thinking that about me.
With just three kids, I feel like I’m swimming in babies, like great waves of babies are crashing over my head. Yet apparently, everybody has more kids than I do and handles it better.
A few months ago I was checking out at the grocery store during a baby tsunami when I heaved a great–
Cashier dude: Everything alright?
Me: Just…so many children.
Cashier: (Scanning my cart) But you only have three.
Me: Shut your face and bag my produce, Bieber-brain. How dare you count my children?
At least that’s what I wanted to say. What I should have said was–
Me: You’re right. Unless you’ve gone through your entire babyname list and at least three colors because you ran out of ideas, can you really call that, “So many children”?
Because that’s totally not passive-aggressive at all. But what I actually said was–