Welcome to my new show on HGTV called Million Dollar Piece of Crap. There are several areas of the country where a million dollars will buy you a sprawling manse with a pool and tennis courts. There are also places where a million dollars will buy you a poky, strange dive with no end of shag carpet, faux wood panelling, and original energy-guzzling appliances from the 1960’s.
Most people don’t post pictures of the scary rooms when they list their house, so these are not even the worst offenders. Here are just 10 of the amazing houses you could pay about a million dollars to own in the D.C. metro area. If this is your house, I am so, so sorry to be making fun of it. Nothing personal in real estate, right?
About a million dollars will buy you:
1. This beautiful miniature, 4-person dining room with floor radiators. Perfect for your 5×5′ square rug and your 5×7″ family photos. Love to entertain a crowd? That giant mirror across one wall totally makes it look like you’ve got a party of 8 for Thanksgiving. $997,500.
2. Every cook’s dream kitchen. Just look at all that counterspace! The extra room to open the oven makes it “gourmet”. The inability to open the dishwasher makes it “energy efficient”. $998,000.
3. A spacious en-suite master bath with radiators that may date back to 1922 when the edifice was built. Hope the plumbing isn’t also 91 years old. If you pull the drapes three inches to the side of the radiator, they are no longer a fire hazzard. Bonus: the toilet doubles as a picture rail! Bonus: the single sink where you brush your teeth doubles as another single sink where your husband brushes his. $998,000.
4. A glorious view of the Potomac from the deck that spans the full width of your middle unit townhouse. $979,900.
5. An almost-wrap-around porch with a bench you’ll enjoy cozying up on every time you come home to this charming “expanded farmhouse.” $939,500.
6. A semi-finished, micro-mini, one-car garage for your micro-mini, single-car family lifestyle. Bonus: laundry in the garage! Take the groceries right in, take the trash and the laundry right out. $1,079,000.
7. Your own private master retreat. Features track lighting, wall-to-wall blue carpet, and giant walk-up-to closet with double doors. Just keep half the room empty if you want to open those full size doors.
8. “Sought-after” split level floor plan with fancy brick and aluminum siding facade. Double fancy because the aluminum siding is installed in two different colors and two different orientations! $1,049,000.
9. Custom kitchen with hidden fridge. No, the fridge isn’t clad in cabinetry, it’s almost entirely hidden by the kitchen door. That’s right, kitchen door. Beautiful matching ceramic floor tiles, countertop tiles and backsplash tiles with stylish high-contrast grout. Just picture yourself rolling out a pie crust into that grout! Slide your stool up to the pull-out table, and you’ve got an eat-in kitchen. Stand on it, and you can reach the upper level cabinetry, or the rail of hanging pans which doubles as a booby trap to catch the burglars from Home Alone. $1,059,000.
Can’t get enough of that tile and grout? The bathroom uses them on three different surfaces as well! Now that’s cohesive design. Tile patterned towel conveys with home. (same $1,059,000 home)
10. An empty lot. There are so many of these “land only” plots in the million dollar range. Use your imagination. With a $100 tent and this lot, you’ve got your own million dollar home. $999,900.
I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s tour of the many dumps you could buy in the Washington D.C. metro area. Join us next time for another episode of Million Dollar Piece of Crap. And remember, it’s your money. Live a little! A very, very little.
And now, if you’ll pardon me, I’ve got a self to shoot.