Um, I found the bottom two of these pre-Christmas Friday Fluffs in my drafts. My bad.
Let me begin by counting down my personal favorite things to say of all time.
7. As though. (Sarcastic)
Just to be different from all the as-iffers out there.
6. So’s your face!
5. You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.
4. I told you so.
“I hate to say I told you so” really means, “Please don’t despise me for how much I’m enjoying this.”
3. Careful. (Said either completely deadpan or with smug satisfaction after someone injures themselves.)
It’s like saying I told you so without having to actually preempt anything. I use it with inordinate glee on Kent and the kids all the time. Aw, you rammed your shin against the bed rail? “Careful.” You slipped on your blanky and discovered you can’t do the splits? “Careful.” Your pocket caught on a doorknob and ripped your pants open? “Careful.” Please promise me you’ll try saying careful this way. It’s the little sadistic pleasures that make life so worth living.
2. What is ____?!!! What is ____! ____, you morons.
Where ____ is the correct answer shouted to the television as all three Jeopardy contestants stand stupified till time runs out. All three of my children have apprehended that this is very nearly mother’s greatest joy in life. By the by, Peppers loves to watch Jeopardy with me, but insists that I pause it just after the clue and tell him the answer so he can shout it to the television like Mommy and make the people say it after him. He’s started trying to do this in regular conversation as well, talking along with you as he listens. I hear people who try to finish your sentences are very popular as adults.
1. Item #2 said during the Tournament of Champions.
Ahhhhhhhh!!! Don’t bother me. I’m enjoying this too much.
(Kent reading this: There is no way anything tops, “I told you so.” I mean, at least for you.)
In the kitchen over lunch
Fluffy: What do you want for Christmas, Mom?
Me: To be thinner.
Fluffy: Besides that?
Me: To be prettier.
Me: Better skin.
Me: Nicer hair?
Fluffy: Something that doesn’t have to do with how you look.
Me: Okay. I want to be smarter.
Fluffy: I mean what do you want for a Christmas present from me?
Me: I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it. I’ll figure something out.
Kent: You know you really need to get on that.
Me: So’s your face.
Fluffy: Do you want something that makes you not say “So’s Your Face” anymore? Because I would want that for you.
She knocks it, but she laughed hysterically in the Kiss & Ride line this morning when we sang Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer with me half-shouting “So’s Your Face!” at the usual parodic junctures.
Fluffy: And this one girl made a turtle trap that she shared to the whole world.
Me: Why would anyone need to trap that many turtles?
Fluffy: I don’t know. To put in the Newseum? Basically for any circumstance where you might need a turtle.