I was never a kid person. I was the person who flinched and gave a disdainful half-turn in church when someone’s kid in the pew behind me pulled my hair.
My thoughts before and after having children
On the airplane
Before: Doesn’t that lady realize her kid is kicking my chair? Sheesh! People with kids should just drive or stay home until their kids can behave. Why do they make everyone else pay the consequences of their life choices? ”Could you please ask him to stop kicking my seat?”
After: Will this plane ride never end? For the love of all that is holy, Dear Lord, please make this kid stop kicking that lady’s seat! There is nothing in the world I have ever wanted or will ever want more than for this child to stop kicking her seat. Why couldn’t everyone stop dying and getting married for just a few years until these kids were manageable on a plane?
At the store
Before: She should keep her kids quieter. Does she even notice that kid is yelling and grabbing everything off the shelf?
After: Oh, that is so cuuuute! Listen to him experimenting with his voice and making such sweet happy noises. Wow! Just look at him developing his reaching and grasping. Oh this is the cutest thing. I need to take a video on my phone to text it to Daddy.
Before: Dude, take your noisy kid out of here and join the hall-moms where you belong. Don’t you realize that there are people here trying to meditate and pray? Ever hear of reverence?
After: Settle down, settle down, settle down! Ugh! Do I take him out and teach him the way to get out of church is to screech? Yeah, yeah, I see you flinching and giving a disdainful half-turn toward us. Just give us 15 seconds people, he’ll settle down. If I wanted to sit on a couch watching him crawl around the carpet for three hours, I could do that at home. Just 15 seconds, folks. Ever hear of compassion?
At the mall
Before: Whoa! I can’t believe she just yelled at her kid like that right here in public. Shouldn’t one of us tell her to lay off? Or call child services or something? Some people.
After: I think I’m going to have a heart attack. Thank the good Lord she’s safe! I’m pregnant with twins and can barely walk let alone run, and she runs away like that? Do I run after her and go into preterm labor and lose the babies or do I let her run off and get kidnapped or run over by a car? My darling little baby girl, you have to understand that you must, must, must, must stay with Mommy!
At a restaurant
Before: Ewwwwwwwww!! That lady just wiped the pudding off her slobbery baby’s face and then licked it off her finger! That is the single most disgusting thing I have ever seen.
At a museum
Before: Wow. Why does she even bother taking three kids, two of whom are asleep, to the National Gallery of Art? This is going right over that toddler’s head. Why is she so happy? Does she not realize how pathetic her life is? Nice sweatpants.
After: I’m out! I’m out! We made it and found parking and everything. Oh how I’ve missed beautiful things. This is awesome. I’m still a member of the human race. I still exist!